It's June of 2022 - I've scraped myself to the halfway point in my Stanford journey, and am now looking at multiple boxes that await a shipping label. When I think back to the clothes in those boxes now, I recognize that many of them no longer fit me; honestly, that's a wonderful thing. That spring, I had just started to recover some weight after an eight-month improperly done vegan stint and concurrent failed attempts to get over my ex-boyfriend — both of which left me in an unhealthy space physically and mentally. I was a shell of the girl I used to be, and a shell of who I am now. The ex-boyfriend in question, a Cornellian, had asked me a year prior: "are you happy at Stanford?" Right now, in my empty room, the answer was a heavy no. I loved my friends, California, and my program; I just wasn’t sure if such a prestigious environment was the best space for me right now.
As many of you know, I then took the year away to participate in a couple of Stanford's off-campus programs in DC and Cape Town. Making this decision was primarily guided by my desire to adventure, but it also served the purpose of removing me from the campus community. Missing junior year was a chance to enrich myself beyond the Silicon Valley space that made my priorities feel insignificant. I worked at summer camp, wanted to be an elementary teacher, and studied American Jewish culture; juxtaposed with the average Stanford student in a popular major / ex- Apple/ Amazon/ Google/ Tesla/ BCG/ Goldman / etc., I was outlandish and not motivated enough. My career goals did not match the level of success that many of my peers aspire to have. "I took an American Studies class and it was like the easiest thing ever," touted a fellow freshman at the Seder table in 2022. No shit, of course it was — why do you think I love it so much? The "ease" is a mere method focusing on discussion and collaboration rather than busywork; this approach works very well for me. But, even still, I didn’t feel fully at home among students who had a different idea of happiness and achievement.
Returning as a student for the first time since I was 19, I have come to appreciate my Californian home. I've grown up quite a bit, and my passions in life were solidified through my time away. I came back with a clearer sense of who I am and who I was. In all honesty, I partly projected my own unhappiness onto Stanford's convoluted infrastructure. It wasn’t the right environment for my first few years, but during such a tumultuous time in my life, I don’t think anywhere would have been. That being said, a lot of issues with this institution persist: its current and historic mistreatment of minority groups, its implementation of massive changes without widespread student input, and leadership (primarily its choice of yet another white man to head the University — I’m happy it’s a fellow Jew, but come on guys). However, I’ve learned a valuable lesson: I can’t change the place, but I am in control of myself. A Harvard friend this summer and I had a clash in philosophy: he was going to Harvard to squeeze the absolute most out of his education at a place few are fortunate enough to attend, and I vehemently disagreed. While his perspective is true, my purpose in college isn’t to hit the ground running with intense academics; earning a spot at Stanford and taking its classes already fit that bill for me. Rather, my purpose is to figure out who I am and how to use that inner understanding to become the best person I can be. & it’s freeing — while I by no means (NO means, y’all) have life figured out, I’m grateful that college has granted me the time and physical spaces to explore my personality and discover what makes me truly happy. By starting this year off with a more vibrant version of myself, a yearning to be back at school, and the tenet that the people make the place, I spent a WONDERFUL fall quarter at Stanford.
Cheers to a finished final fall!
XOXO
WLH
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